back to mortality

I am a goddess residing in a mortal frame. My divinity has taken to slumber and I fear I have become too comfortable that I am not able to conjure magic to retain my heavenly existence. Hence, there are no great words. My frail body shall keep its silence till the waning of the red moon.

Fly High

We can never be as free as we want to be only because we limit ourselves too much.

In retrospect

I may be a goddess, but I acknowledge that there will always be someone, something greater than I am. This puts me in my proper place and reminds me that though I own a big part of the universe, I may still be inconsequential to some.

musings of an imperfect goddess

Could it be that you
Are just desperately
Holding on
To a dream
That I could never be?

paraiso

Nais ko sanang
magtagal sa kalawakan
na siyang nag-alay
ng katahimikan
sa likod ng
kadiliman
ngunit isang araw
sa pagpapasyang
magdala ng
alagang anghel
sa munting paraiso
muli akong natakot
na magpatuloy
sa paglalakbay
kasama sana
sa paglipad ang
siyang inaaruga
pagkat yaong kerubin
ay di nakaintindi
sa paraisong
bubuhay sana sa akin.

dear angel

I am torn between your wishes and my tenacious disposition. I wish to address your sentimental concerns for I, too, value what was and what is. But there are some things which I feel have become different for me. I have become different. I have ended the day before with a painful note on the bottom page. And though I do not wish to run from it, I feel that there is no other way that a star could get back its luster after it’s been stricken by an enormous amount of grief. There is no other way a star could watch over its angel once it has lost its glow. And the only way to go through it, the only way I could continue to watch over you, would be to pass on my remaining spark to another star.

Forgive me, angel. That’s the only way I know how to keep myself from dying. And the only way I know how to keep you safe.

logos

I have this intense desire to play with Logos; let it run with the wind while I willingly chase it. But the game of tag with Logos becomes pointless after a while due to its cyclic nature. Besides, most of the time, I never actually get to be the chasee. And I end up chasing something that doesn’t seem to be there at all.

At night, however, when I’ve finally given up and I’ve decided to retreat to my room, Logos would linger in the night air and watch me intently. I’d see it outside my window, competing glares with the moonlight. I’d pretend to be sleeping, not showing it how much it bothers me. And when I toss and turn, I can feel it chuckle at my sullen discontent. Logos would never laugh at my face. To a point I guess it respects me that way. But its love is cruel as it would also never stay by my side for a long period of time. Hence, I love Logos from a distance. Sometimes, a not-so far away distance. But far enough for me to be unable to hold it, to touch it, and savor its goodness.

Still, there are those times when Logos would miss me as well. And it would sneak up the stairs and languidly enter my room. It would tiptoe towards my bed, each step matching up to my heartbeat. And I would still pretend to be sleeping. I’d sense Logos by my side. It would kneel beside me, almost as if in prayer. I’d open one eye and smile at it. And I’d enjoy the glorious moment when I become the chasee. Even if only for 10 seconds.

sandali lang

Wag kang umayon sa umaga. Lagi nitong sasabihin sa iyo na maganda ang buhay at nararapat lamang na ikaw ay ngumiti sa ihahain sa iyo ng araw. Lagi nitong ipipilit na ang mundo ay walang ninais kundi kabutihan para sa iyo. Wala itong ibang magiging bukambibig kundi papuri para sa inang araw.

Wag kang makinig. Hindi dahil hindi dapat. Pero dahil maaari kang madala sa panliligaw ng buhay. Ang nais ko lang naman ay mabighani ka ng ayon sa sarili mong mga mata, ng ayon sa sarili mong mga tenga. Hindi ayon sa sinasabi ng iba.

Pakinggan mo ang iyong sarili. Magtiwala ka sa iyong mga nakikita. Di mo na kailangan ng patnubay upang maintindihan ang buhay. Maraming kagandahang iaalay, ngunit sadyang marami ring kalungkutang kaakibat. Na sa iyo kung paano mo hahawakan ang mga ito. Na sa iyo kung ano ang ikakahon mo at papakawalan. Dahil ikaw lang ang may hawak sa sarili mo.

time on my hands

I look at my hands. My hands seem old and brittle. The very hands that wove your heart onto my sleeve. But it has only been a century since. That’s not too long ago. I say this even as I hear the clock ticking away in my pocket. I hear the clock nearing the strike of 12. I take out my pocket watch. The one with intricate designs on top – loops which supposedly symbolized eternity. The one you dropped. On my hands. And up to now, I am not sure who owns the time.

I wish to believe that I do.

consumation

i want to make love to the moon
undress her slowly
and witness her
in her full glory
i want to smile at the mixture
of her bashfulness and boldness
which is illustrated
in her lustrous skin
i wish to sing her a love song
a melody pure and wordless
one that time and space
can never contain
i wish to hold her close
and memorize her beauty
with both eyes closed
and to the pleasure of my roving lips.

new moon

...and a new phase begins.